We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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