They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am naked and annoyed.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
