come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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