Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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