apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
