The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
