I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
high people should be assigned attendants
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
