She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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