A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
