fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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