Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
