I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
