You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
