She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i believe in u and ur pee
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
