Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
