I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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