I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
