I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
