Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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