The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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