We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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