Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
