im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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