Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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