Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
