She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
