I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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