Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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