She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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