I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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