I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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