I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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