I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
