awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
