I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
