i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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