when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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