You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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