did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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