did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
