I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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