Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
