i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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