at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
