Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
