Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
