I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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