Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
