I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
