wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
