yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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