My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
