I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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