did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i've created a new STD.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
